Not Excited About God
by Bill Kimball as told to Chris Lutes amended by Tina Tan

I was at the back of the youth group room with a bunch of other youths. The worship band stood in the front of the room, singing their hearts out. I stretched my neck to see the older ones who'd gathered in the first couple of rows. They really seemed to be into it. Some of them had their eyes closed and arms raised in the air.
I couldn't help but wonder, Why don't I feel excited about God? What do they have that I don't?

I knew Christ had died for my sins, and I knew I was a Christian. But why didn't I feel it more? Even though our youth leaders told us not to live by our feelings, I still believed I was missing something. But what?

I went through my first two years in youth group like that. I sat at the back, and kind of went through the motions. I did sing, but it didn't seem to mean a lot to me. I also listened to what our youth pastor said in his talks. But it seemed like that's about all I did. But I knew if I kept going to youth group, I'd keep growing in my faith, whether or not my feelings came along.

So I kept going to worship, and I prayed silently as I sang the songs. I also decided to really get serious about reading my Bible and praying before I went to bed each night.

Then as i got older, my life started to change. I can't point to any one day when the change took place. But through stuff like camps and mission experiences, I could begin to see God at work in my life and other students' lives. I wasn't sitting at the back of the room anymore, either, and I felt free to shut my eyes and raise my hands during worship. My singing was becoming a way to connect with God and praise him for his faithfulness. Worship was finally coming alive for me.

I could also sense that I had a different attitude toward the people at school. When I was in sec one, I saw a lot of the problems at my school. I'd bump into a guy who'd talk about the great bag of ecstasy he just bought. I'd hear the guys telling dirty jokes in class and think, Losers. I'm surrounded by losers.

But as I got older, I started seeing people at my school differently. No longer were they losers, but they were opportunities to show God's love. Instead of looking down on those who took drugs, I would silently pray for them when I passed them in the hall. When someone would tell a bad joke, I'd try my best to turn the conversation in another direction. I wanted to do what I could to help make things better at my school, to help transform it for Christ.

Now that I'm in the final months of my schooling years. I wish I'd changed earlier. And I have come to realize how important it is to get into God's Word daily, pray regularly, and use my gifts and abilities to serve others. The result of all this: I am so excited about living for God!

But the thing is, I now believe God was working in my life even during my younger days. He was using my youth leaders to teach me important spiritual truths. He was using my youth group to show me what it meant to worship, really worship. He was building up my faith, even at times when I didn't fully realize it (Philippians 1:6, 2:12-13). He was showing me that living for him really is exciting. He also showed me that faith often comes with good feelings. Not that my youth pastor was wrong. I can't base my faith on how I feel. But if I'm trying to get to know God better, and doing my best to live for him, those feelings will come.

That's why these days I'm standing near the front of the youth group room and singing with all my heart...

Copyright © 2004 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.